This post continues from a preceding one titled “March 19th, 2007”.

So let’s take a deeper look at this relationship. I can’t lie and say it was all bad. Love, as elusive and mysterious as it is, was experienced by me. The best way I can describe that feeling is that when you’re with that person they’re the only ones around. When they talk, no others voices can be heard. When you see them in a crowd, suddenly the rest of the people around are transparent. Their eyes are the deepest chasms of vibrance in existence.
And that’s how it all began.
As time went on, we started taking pieces of eachother and molding them together. We started adopting eachothers sayings, talking everyday as soon as we got home from school where we just left eachother.
But as the old cliché says, all good things must come to an end.
Strangely, it didn’t come to an end.

Picture this analogy; You and another person are stranded on a deserted island. You, being with this person everyday, going through the same trials and tribulations, develop a very strong love for them. But as you both know, you and the other person will not stay alive if you don’t leave this island. Each wave that washes up on your safe island represents your love, the ocean itself with all the threats to your life and love represent the trust in your relationship.
There comes a point where you have to stop playing in the waves and take the plunge into the ocean. How can love exist without trust?
And that is where our love began to drown.
When you are with someone you love deeply, you know you would never hurt them. You know you would never cheat on them, and you try to make sure you never lie to them, even if it means hurting their feelings. Love is a 50/50 thing, and it comes and goes as it pleases.
The problem arose within this relationship when one side didn’t trust the other.

There is a theory I’ve read about that relates to this. In my relationship I was almost constantly being questioned about my friendships with other women. The reasoning behind this from my significant other was “I trust you, but I don’t trust her” which is completely bullshi*. My apologies for the coarseness.
The reason this used to frustrate me so badly was, I had never done anything deserving of this type of interrogating. At least not in my mind. But I never stated the theory. The theory I have read about is as follows: When someone has worries about their own behavior, it’s possible that they will project those onto their partner as mistrust in their significant other, when really they aren’t trusting themselves.
This was proven in my relationship when I found out she was giving out her phone number via MySpace, even telling one guy how excited she was to meet again so they could “make-out”. She swore she wouldn’t ever do it again. I said ok.
She said she had to get a kidney transplant to get attention from me because she was mad I went out without her. She told me months later that she lied about the entire ordeal.
She swore she wouldn’t ever do it again.
I complied.
Without airing out every other lie and deceitful tendency, she told me she was suicidal. She wanted to break up because she didn’t want to hurt me if she killed herself.
I was out of town for an AmeriCorps orientation week, the end of August was the timeframe. I was worried sick. I was a f*cking roller coaster wreck.
I cried and stayed up the entire night one night. I called her at 3 AM in the morning to let her know that I wasn’t going to leave her just because of this.

Then she snuck out to a party while I was an emotional wreck worried about her emotional health. She was out laughing, with other guys who were smoking and drinking, while I was hours away hoping she wouldn’t hurt herself.
Just know I think I realized the logistics of this situation. There’s two options to what she was doing: 1. She actually was suicidal because of how bad she felt for being with another guy behind my back or 2. She was just lying to me about being suicidal so I would leave her and then she could be with this guy with virtually no guilt in her mind.
Which one she was doing is something that I won’t bother to try and find out or think about. She can keep that secret in her word of reality.

Surprisingly, with all the things I dealt with that week in August, and the time after, it was easily the best week of my summer. I met many cool people during that orientation week, and I wish I could’ve kept in contact with more of them. About 90% of them were women, and I even took home a number after a weak number-close. I only did that because my “suicidal girl-friend” wanted me to meet new people while I was out of town.
A month later (September 21st) I found out she had cheated on me while I was out of town that week, which explained why she told me to go find someone else if I could. She didn’t completely lie I suppose, she wanted me to find someone better while I was out of town. She just told me it was because she was suicidal instead of letting me know she was juggling someone elses... well you get the picture. I guess lying is 50/50 too.
 

So from dealing with the stress of my girl-friend being suicidal and the extreme stress and anxiety of that, to seeing her post pictures of her at a party on MySpace, to finding out she was unfaithful during that time period a month later, I was wrecked. It was easily the worst emotional pain I’ve ever been in in my entire lifetime.
The relationship was always so much work to maintain and that is the most obvious flaw about it. We were both codependent on eachother, we weren’t independent people together in a relationship sharing experiences. At least one of us wasn’t. Since we weren’t both standing on our own two feet when we came into the relationship emotionally it was a wreck.

With a successful relationship, two people have to come into the relationship knowing the type of people they are. They should ideally be standing on their own two feet and not needing another person to make themselves “whole”.
In hindsight it is crystal clear that it was coming. All the signs are there. The scene from Bruce Almighty where Jim Carrey asks for a sign comes to mind. The huge truck full of glowing, flashing signs was my relationship.
It’s been roughly one month since ties have been severed between me and her. We don’t speak, I believe the last words I said to her were “you’re just a lying, deceitful b*tch” (September 21st conversation). I received one ugly email from her near the beginning of October, but it was clear why she wrote it. She was just trying to put the guilt she was feeling onto me, just like she always did during our relationship. It only took two and a half years to figure it out right?
 

There are a few things I’m extremely grateful for that happened during that time period though. I learned that I should listen to my instincts more often. I learned that if it doesn’t make sense, it’s probably a lie. And among other things, I got to experience the feeling of love. And man, it is the sweetest most beautiful feeling in the world.
But, love cannot exist without trust. As soon as mistrust began to try to drown our love, love moved on to the next couple. I feel happy and priviledged to have experienced it. And I know I will experience love again, better and stronger in my life. And I know someday the waves of love will flow in harmony in the sea of trust in my life.
At least I think it was love. If it wasn’t, and I don’t know what love is, then I know what isn’t. And that’s good enough for now.

And since there really is no way to close this post, I guess I’ll just leave it with a few words. I’m not sure if I’ll be returning to this topic again, if I feel the need I suppose I will. I’m taking it all as a learning experience, and I’m doing much better as of the date of this post. I’ve been able to rekindle friendships that fizzled during my last relationship and even make new ones. I’ve come out of the depression I was in completely.
All of my writing is stream of conciousness so I apologize in advance if some of it is sketchy. And feel free to contact me at my email whether it be about topics pertaining to this or anything else. And keep your ears open also..

Contact: taylorb.707@gmail.com